At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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