i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
