my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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