I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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