I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
