I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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