Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
