i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
