Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
We left the knife in your bed.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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