I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
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