i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
