i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Randomize