I wish I could teleport
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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