I wish my penis had an off switch
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
