Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
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Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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