we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
