Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
