Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
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