did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
