the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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