I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
