I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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