just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
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She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
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Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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