Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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