i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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