you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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