i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
