i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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