Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
