I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
