Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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