I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
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Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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