Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
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Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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