If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
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