Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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