apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
