Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
