we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
