I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
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my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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