if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
