Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
