i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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