I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
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So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
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It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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