My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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