So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
