he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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