Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
