I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
