who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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