He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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