i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
