And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
