drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
