You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
