I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
he fucked my hip out of place.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Randomize
